Please Help Me Because I Am Very Ill

Is there a doctor? I believe I am very ill and I need a doctor (MD) to help me figure out what is the problem. This illness comes on sometimes for a while and then goes after a bit. The symptoms are intense and wide-ranging. I tried really hard to diagnose myself on google but I ended up diagnosing myself with 10 different things and I’m pretty sure I would only have 1-3 things. Please, if you are a doctor or just really smart, read my symptoms and tell me if I’m very ill and what illness I have.


  • hair full of knots

  • flop

  • sad ears

  • problems

  • googling if things are normal

  • very angry at loud noise (especially truck/bus compression release or someone eating chips in a silent room)

  • deja vu about everything

  • getting very upset and panicky because the old lady on Better Call Saul lost all her friends

  • feelings

  • forget to turn the light off in the bathroom ALWAYS

  • stupid

  • split ends

  • general fear

  • not buying an iced coffee from the shop nearby because then I’d have to make smalltalk with the guy at the counter and he always SMIRKS and asks me questions like, “Do you work around here?” And for some reason I said no even though I work from home now so technically I do work around here. And then I feel like a very bad person for lying even though I didn’t mean to lie—it just slipped out because I get stressed from talking to people behind counters, especially if they have a name badge. I’m sorry, DANIEL. YES, I DO WORK AROUND HERE. I WORK IN MY PYJAMAS IN THE BUILDING NEXT-DOOR.

  • drain in the shower clogged up with (brown) hair

  • sharp elbows

Current Treatments

You might need to know how I’m currently treating my debilitating illness/illnesses. I will eat a chocolate because the taste is great and I will also google pictures of pigeons and Italian Greyhounds and seals and zebras. I make sure to get a good three hours of sleep a night and I started drinking water with lemon in it because that seems like a healthy thing, and I saw a really pretty girl on a well-edited YouTube channel (with fairy lights in the background) do it. I wish I was that girl and not me because she has great hair (no split ends) and eats berries + yoghurt for breakfast, but berries are so expensive here.

Should I go to emergency? Help.