Jamaican Macaulay is a beautiful man who works at the barber near my local supermarket. Sometimes when I go for a coffee with Alan Goldsmith, we see Jamaican Macaulay on the way back from the cafe and when that happens we get very excited and say things like, “There’s Jamaican Macaulay” and “Jamaican Macaulay is a beautiful man” and “I would like to get my hair snipped off by Jamaican Macaulay” and “Please be our best friend, Jamaican Macaulay.” Even though we see him and think about him all the time, I don’t think he’s seen us.

Look who’s snipping hair
It’s Jamaican Macaulay
Please be our best friend

Jamaican Macaulay is the first barber-Macaulay (most Macaulays are baristas but any staff-person can be a Macaulay if it feels right). Jamaican Macaulay looks vaguely Jamaican, but probably isn’t actually Jamaican. He’s tall, slim, and well-dressed. His long hair bounces down his shoulders in tight, perfect curls. This impossibly voluminous hair is dark brown but with lots of amazing gold highlights flowing through it. Usually the top of his hair is pinned back in a tidy and professional manner, but the bottom remains free and flowing. He’s often looking down because he’s a barber and needs to concentrate on snipping other men’s hair to effortless perfection, but sometimes he looks up and that’s always exciting because then we can see his face better.

Seeing Jamaican Macaulay is one of my favourite hobbies (after seeing pigeons and Italian Greyhounds), and I know Alan Goldsmith feels the same because if we don’t see Jamaican Macaulay for a while he gets very upset and says things like, “You just can’t win!” One day he’ll go and get his hair snipped by Jamaican Macaulay, and then hopefully we’ll all be best friends forever.

Until then, we can enjoy this sick track Alan Goldsmith made about Jamaican Macauley: